How much should I push my anxious neurodivergent child (and why consistency is overrated)

“Should I be pushing my anxious neurodivergent child?” This might be the question I hear most from parents of high-masking neurodivergent (autistic or ADHD) children. And no wonder - whether it's school anxiety, after-school meltdowns, or avoiding social situations, it feels impossible to get right.

Sometimes you push your child and it feels traumatic. They shut down, you feel terrible, and you wonder if you've just made their anxiety worse.

But other times? You encourage them to try something difficult and they do it! They're proud, you're proud, everyone wins.

Then there are the times you accommodate - let them skip the birthday party, wear comfortable clothes instead of the "right" outfit, avoid the crowded shop. Sometimes this feels exactly right. Other times you're lying awake thinking "Should I have pushed more?"

No wonder parents feel inconsistent. And we're told consistency is everything, right?

Here's a different way to think about it

Imagine a thermostat. You're constantly adjusting the temperature based on what your child can handle.

Sometimes you turn up the heat - creating opportunities for growth (encouraging them to try new things). Other times you cool things down - prioritising safety (protecting them and meeting their needs where they are).

There's no "perfect" temperature setting. But you do need to avoid leaving it stuck on one extreme.

Too much growth focus? Your child overheats - constant pressure leading to shutdowns and meltdowns.

Too much safety focus? (Except during burnout - that's different*) They never learn they can cope with anxiety and discover their own resilience.

The real skill with anxious children? Flexibility

You're constantly calibrating - weighing up what your child can handle right now, in this moment, given everything else they're dealing with.

Maybe you allow the comfortable socks instead of tights (safety) so they can cope with the social and academic demands of school (growth).

Maybe you postpone that first orthodontist appointment because it's the end of term and they're already running on empty. But you'll try it in the holidays when their resources have recharged.

The truth about "inconsistency"

Here's what I tell parents: There isn't an exact "right" amount of pushing.

But if you're feeling inconsistent? It's probably because you're being sensitive to your child's needs and responding to what they can actually handle at different times.

Consistency is overrated - especially when you're helping a neurodivergent child navigate a world that wasn't designed for them.

*Burnout is different - that needs maximum accommodation and minimal pushing. More on this soon!